dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
