Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are a genius and a whore.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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