My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
