the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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