I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
