I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We're too hungover to prance.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
