Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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