see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
