maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
