I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
