Whod you bang
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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