He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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