I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
