I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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