I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
