You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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