Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
