I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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