9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
