Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
