she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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