She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
