the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
