and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
