this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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