Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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