There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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