i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
