I have demons in me.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
