my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
