i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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