i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
