Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
