Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
