I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
