There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
