I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize