At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
