my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
