go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize