At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
