between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
