I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
