woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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