Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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