You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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