You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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