omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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