I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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