wakey wakey hands off snakey
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That accounts for only three of the penises
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
