after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
