Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize