The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
