well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
