I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
