Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
