All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
