Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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