lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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