i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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