I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
